Shadows

One of the down-sides of depression I have noticed, is the acute loneliness, which is constantly present. I wonder constantly if people see me... who I really am. If they care to look beneath the facade I present  and peel back the layers.... Even in a room of the most amazing people, I feel a lack of connection. Over the years I've constantly surrounded myself with people, just to not be alone. Yet even then, The feeling does not change.

I find myself now tired. Tired of feeling like there's a glass bubble surrounding me. The random bouts of sadness, then extremely joyous moods. This is a roller-coaster I would want no one to be on.

I really do feel like I'm falling apart, and barely breathing. And off course this song fuels another crying binge.

Everything

Every now and again I find a song i obsess over, which moves me to tears for an inexplicable reason..... A song which taps into the sadness that walks with me.   A song i play on repeat till all the tears I could possibly cry, are spent. 

Tonight, this, is it. 

Swansong

By force of will, my soul shall not soar free...

My struggle ends at twilight.... let the sun shine on my shadows.

Expressions of a manic

My mind wont be silent. 

Not shhhhh, time to go to sleep for ever and ever amen.....silent. But relax, let me gather my thoughts for two minutes, .....silent. 

I feel this needs to be expressed.

I feel that all I have learnt, is not longer valid, and the lessons to be taught I need to attend. Like an emotional growth spurt.... Like I am no longer an adult in this life class, but life, is schooling me.

I am confused. I feel that i have no idea what I want. That i don't even know if I want to want whatever I make up my mind to. When I do. Which is not too often.

I feel my indecision is preventing me from moving into the place I need to be. 

I feel, at times I question others too much. That I sprout sanctimonious bullshit, to hint at understanding a world where I am persona non grata.

I feel small. 

I feel that my existence is going to become entangled in fear, of things which are possible, yet not manifest. 

I feel fear, of not feeling. At being apart from who I am at my core. Fear at not realizing the depth of my soul. 

I feel fear of silence. Silence of others, in conversation. In company. Silence in response. 

I feel fear of being ignored. Discounted. Forgotten. 

I feel that I don't feel. I feel that I think. I analyze. 

I feel I react as I should, not as I am.

I feel my emotions are guarded beyond my conscious ability to set them free. 

I feel disconnected. On Auto pilot.  I communicate by routine, express what needs to be. 

I feel depressed. 

I feel, at moments my life is run by sadness.  

I feel people don't listen. Even to things which are right before them.

I feel change is imminent....possibly permanent.

I feel unloved. 

I feel emotionally bankrupt.

I feel drained. 

I feel that my mind, needs to be silenced. 

Midnight Musings

I need a hug. And a good cry. A bone crushing heart stopping, utterly comforting hug. Then I'd just cry my balls out into the persons shirt. and wipe my puffy eyes.

Welcome into the world of the emotionally saturated. I think sometime i'll give this story about the 10 year depression, but tonight isn't it.

Today isn't the day.

 I looked at the post saved as a draft which I couldn't complete. Simply because I didn't know how to be honest. With myself, or you. I wasn't ready to tackle what I felt.  But I digress.
I've been wondering this, and no one seems to now the answer. Who comforts the comforter? Because of late I've been feeling the need to meet that person.

I. Am. Tired. Tired.... of being the listening ear, to absorb, and absolve as much of the negativity in the life of friends, and not have that returned. Its odd. Because I don't think that They don't care, I would hope not. Its just that my venting always ends up being about someone else.

-_-.......    Like, be silent, and let me say my piece, have a good cry on your shoulder, and get a back rub. No telling me whats going on with you, and how equally messy things are with you. I, just need one a venting moment. Now considering I'm a serial suppressor of emotion, they need not (and will not) happen too often.


I came across this quote tonight-

Never let your own happiness wither away as you try to bring sunshine to others. Life is not about making others happy. Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with them.

Was a rather fitting one for the series of thoughts I was having. About one, individual in particular. *insert male genetics here*.  Call el hombre a friend, old love(r), whatever thou wish-est. He who is nameless is someone I care oodles about. Thus I try to ensure their happiness in any way I can contribute to it. And that's just me. I give love. Probably because I know not how to receive it.

However I feel like this, is a one sided friendship. Which I push. And that if i just step away, it will fade into oblivion. Almost as if my presence was never felt, noted or wanted, but.... tolerated. I feel like an emotional dumping ground.

Like, Hey! i feel like shit let me talk to you. Gosh you say all the right things I feel better. 

Then... Wait you're feeling kinda blu? Oh, so sad. I have to study so later!

If that has ever been you, Dick moment.

What of my need to decompress? Psht, I'm talking to an unknown audience. That should answer that. Everyone is always so busy. Yet if a friend needs me, All is on pause. even if its just 5 minutes, they are my focus.

I just wish someone would be a me for me too. 

Hi. ! *waves* 

Ordinarily upon introduction, I'd give you my name, and other curious tidbits about myself, if you engage me. Luckily for you, with the advent of modern technology you're saved loads of corniness.

Google is more than happy to provide my name, and the fact that you're behind your electronic device, and not in my presence, I'm saved the bother of having to be funny, and engaging.

I'd thought about starting a  blog.. for eons... then the wonder who in the heck wants to know what I think. then again.. psht... if one Martian reads it.. I'm good... *and then the thought progressed....*

This more or less is a venting spot. To air out the ideas and thought processes no one else cares to listen to. But you.

My daily diary even.

Thus I say aloha, and welcome to life through my eyes.